Barack Force Ones

awesome.

 

 

  

 

• Topic of Discussion (yes, I was a fifth grade teacher in another life) :

 If Hil-bag and McCain had their own shoes, what would they look like? (photo courtesy of Barack Obama’s Campaign)  

I Owe Vince Gill Daps

I didn’t expect to watch the Grammy Awards last night, perhaps just flip to it a few times in curiosity. Two hours later, I had to admit I was pretty engrossed. Maybe it was just nice to see an actual award show, and not tabloid TV show correspondents telling me who won and then attempting (and failing) to comment either intellectually or humorously. Or maybe it was Tina Turner showing that Damn, she’s still got it. Beyonce seemed like she was just trying to keep up with her.

As we came to Best Rap Album of the Year, I had a feeling that Kanye was going to win. Truth be told, Graduation was the best album of the nominees, so I assumed he was going to get up and give some cocky-ass acceptance speech. Sure enough, he did.

“It definitely feels good to be home at the Grammys…” he starts off saying. Home, eh? “We snuck in about four or five years ago, and now we basically made this our new place of residence.” What?? No audience response–except for possibly a guy buried in the bleachers, or just some mild audio feedback.

He goes on to say, “A lot of people said hip-hop is dead, not just Nas, but a lot of people just said that the art form wasn’t poppin like that anymore, you know. I wanted to cross the genres and show people how can still express ourselves with something fresh and new, and I think that’s what hip-hop has always been out, coming out with new sounds and stuff…” Some applause. Okay, I feel that, Kanye–but then he exclaims, “I always told Common, like ‘Man, you gotta time the album out better. You can’t drop one the same year as me.’ You gotta…This is my award.” What the deuce? He really just said that, didn’t he.

Then the music started, to which I chuckled, thinking the director was indicating, Okay, moving right along… “C’mon, you’re going to play the music on me?” Kayne asks, before continuing with, “For Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse, if I don’t get to get up here for Album of the Year, you deserve it just as much as me. I deserve it too.” Cut to Mark Ronson in the audience, smiling and raising his hand in acknowledgment (even though Herbie Hancock later pulled off the Grammy).

The music continued to play as Kanye says, “And just to say something about my mother, I appreciate all of the support. I appreciate all of the prayers–it would be in good taste to stop the music there,” and BAM, within three seconds the hurry-along march was silenced to a thunderous applause. “I appreciate everything, and I know you’re really proud of me right now, and I know you wouldn’t want me to stop, and you’d want me to be the number one artist in the world, and all I’m going to do is keep making you proud.” He hoists his Grammy in the air and ends with, “We run this.”

Yes Kanye, you are one of the best hip-hop producers out there, but would it kill you to show a little humility?

I was thinking about changing the channel later in the evening when Ringo Starr presented the award for Best Country Album of the Year to Vince Gill. A little shocked, Gill walked on stage and accepted his Grammy. “I just got an award given to me by a Beatle,” prompting an audience chuckle. He then casually turns to the left and says, “Have you had that happen yet, Kanye?”

YES! Hysterical. One day, I hope to give Vince Gill daps for that.

And then Amy Winehouse found five dollars. And by dollars, I mean Grammys. The end.

Some Things Change…

There are always a number of infectious and completely arbitrary ideas floating around electoral politics. Most have a hugely temporal quality; they last only until the next contest, primary, debate proves them no longer useful. The most prescient of these in the current race for the Democratic presidential nomination, for example, is that of “Change” (I capitalize it here to stress its catch-all quality, but one may see it printed in any number of fonts and formats, depending on the strategists behind its presentation).

 

After the exit polls in Iowa registered this particular and wholly abstract concept as the number one reason for Obama’s victory, it was a complete fucking free-for-all as to determine who had the greatest commitment to shoving the term down the throats of all watching or listening to any candidate speak. All had signs printed that featured the word itself prominently. Barack, hoping to capitalize completely on the apparently very Iowan notion that he represented the personification of Change itself (though, the good or bad specifications of said change were not specified), changed the entire motto of his campaign to “Change We Can Believe In.” No one, to my knowledge, has pointed out to the Senator that the proper way to arrange this credo would be “Change In Which We Can Believe,” as the aforementioned ends with a preposition. In a campaign appearance preceding the New Hampshire Primary, Clinton began a lengthy answer question and answer session with by assuring the crowd that she “want[s] to give you a president who will give you change you can count on.”[i]

 

Unfortunate grammatical errors aside, one can certainly appreciate the straightforward and value-neutral aspects of these phrases. After all, I for one “believe” very strongly in he existence of negative change, as in Change For The Worse; it does, in fact, seem to be the most prevalent sort. Nonetheless, the term began to inundate the field so entirely that even George W. Bush was heard to make a valuable point when he observed that change in inherent in any campaign, as political and social situations themselves are by nature dynamic (I have paraphrased here so as to avoid being forced into any more digressive musing on improper syntax, the probability of which, with a Bush quotation, is akin to that of Dennis Kucinich pulling out of a Presidential race in time to try to keep his job as U.S. Representative). I actually half-expected to see a candidate, at the emotional acme of his or her speech, make pennies rain down from the ceiling of some New England town hall, a là Gob Bluth in Arrested Development: “YOU WANT CHANGE?!?!?!?.”

 

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[i] See immediately preceding comments on grammatical issues concerning Obama’s slogan.

Ricky’s “LOST” Weekly – 02/08/08

Conributed by Ricky L. Escoto – consultant and “LOST” expert extraordinaire:

“Confirmed Dead” – 02/07/08

So was it just me, or did last night’s amazing episode of “LOST” seem like the shortest ever? And yet there was so much going on.

Let’s start with the flashbacks and our introductions to the four new characters: Daniel Faraday (Jeremy Davies), the physicist; Miles Straume (Ken Leung), the ghost-hunter/psychic/spirtualist; Charlotte Lewis (Rebecca Mader), the anthropologist; and Frank Lapidus (Jeff Fahey) the allegedly drunken pilot, formerly of Oceanic Airlines, no less.

All of the flashbacks (with the exception of Naomi’s and Miles’) involve the new characters (we’ll call them “boat people”) finding out about the discovery of Oceanic Flight 815 by the Christiane I (the boat in the Find815.com online interactive game, by the way) under the ocean at the bottom of the Sunda Trench. Each of the 4 new boat people are particularly, and very curiously, moved by the news. Daniel starts crying uncontrollably, Charlotte can’t stop reading about it and looking distressed and despondent over it and Frank gets upset and calls the airlines to tell them that the dead body they are claiming is the pilot of Oceanic Flight 815, Seth Norris (Greg Grunberg), is not really Seth Norris. Frank claims that Seth was married and always had his wedding ring on and that it was not possibly him. He then confesses that he knows this because he was in fact supposed to be the pilot on Oceanic Flight 815 that day! As a side note here: The Sunda Trench is nowhere near the Sydney-LA route of Flight 815; why was wreckage found there and not in the Pacific?

Despite the fact that Miles is some weird “ghost hunter” and Charlotte found a polar bear fossil with a Dharma collar on it in Tunisia, I found Frank’s to be the most exciting flashback of the five. Why was he not on Flight 815? Is it because he is a drunk and he was to sauced to fly that day so Seth stepped in? I don’t know – maybe, but I’m sure it wasn’t out of sheer coincidence; I think we all have learned that there are no coincidences among the people and events surrounding the Island and our castaways’ arrival there. By the way, the name “Frank Lapidus” is an anagram for “Farads link up.” The Farad is a unit of electrical capacitance, named after physicist Michael Faraday.

Now what the hell was a polar bear’s fossil doing buried in Tunisia? How long has it been there? Okay forget that for a moment – how the hell did the dead animal get a Hydra collar around it’s neck? Remember, the Hydra was the Dharma station on the “other island” that Ben and The Others were holding Kate, Sawyer and Jack captive at. So how did a polar bear get from the Island to Tunisia? Furthermore, why was Charlotte so happy to see it? By the way, the name “Charlotte Staples Lewis” (which was a season 4 clue word in the Find815 online game) is a reference to the British writer and scholar, Clive Staples Lewis. Lewis is better known as the author, C.S. Lewis, who among many other literary works, is most famous for his series of Christian-themed children’s books entitled, The Chronicles of Narnia. Both Charlotte and C.S. attended Oxford University (according to Ben Linus’ detailed account of Charlotte’s personal details). Miles Straume shows up at some old lady’s house, “Mrs. Gardner” to expel the ghost/spirit of her murdered grandson. He does this with the use of a vacuum cleaner, which apparently, as it was rigged, is a device that makes and spreads cold air. It’s apparently a “common device” that real-life “ghost busters” use to flush spirits out of their hiding places. Using this device, he is apparently able to communicate with the dead grandson, whom I can only assume begs Miles to let him stay. Miles agrees to lie to the grandmother if the spirit tells him where a huge wad of cash is. Miles takes the cash and leaves, telling Mrs. Gardner that she can have a 50% refund and tells her that her grandson is gone and at peace. By the way, the name ‘Miles Straume’ is a play on the word “maelstrom”, which means a powerful whirlpool or a swirling mass of water. Could that be a telling of things to come? Miles seems very troubled and certainly proved to be the most dangerous of the 4 new boat people.

Daniel Faraday seems to be the “weakest link” of the bunch and this is made very evident to us when we first seem him crying over the discovery of Oceanic Flight 815 and all the dead passengers. He can’t explain why he’s crying when asked by his wife. However, “Daniel Faraday” has the most interesting connection to the Island. It could be that Daniel is named after Michael Faraday (Died: 1867) was an English physicist who researched electromagnetism. Michael Faraday’s discoveries led to the development of Faraday cages, an enclosure used to block outside radio and electromagnetic waves. James Clerk Maxwell (can anyone say “Maxwell Group”?) took the work of Faraday, and others, and consolidated it with a set of equations that form the basis of modern theories of electromagnetic phenomena. This triumph of 19th century physics led inevitably, in combination with the mathematics of Minkowski (what’s the name of the guy who keeps answering the phone on the boat?), and others, to Einstein’s theory of relativity. Coincidence? I think not. The Island, is after all, heavily grounded with electromagnetic waves. In fact, the Dharma Inititative was there studying it and how to use and control the electromagnetic energy housed by the Island.

We also find out that Naomi Dorrit (Marsha Thomason) was hired by Matthew Abbadon (whom we met last week when he visited Hurley in the Santa Rosa Mental Health Clinic). Now I highly doubt that Matthew actually works for Oceanic Airlines (I don’t think any of us believe that) but who then is he working for? What is his organization’s purpose in hiring Naomi to lead Frank, Miles, Charlotte and Daniel to the Island on a freighter boat? The most interesting thing about the flashback conversation between Matthew and Naomi was that Naomi knew that the plane found in the Sunda Trench was not Oceanic Flight 815 (at least not the real one) and Matthew had to correct her and insist that there were no survivors of Flight 815. Note as well the actual dialogue between Naomi and Matthew: She thinks the 4 new boat people are not the right for this “mission” as they lack military or field experience. She says it’d be a disaster without protection. “You are their protection”, Abbadon says. Naomi replies that it’s a “high risk, covert operation in unstable territory, especially with four untrained operatives” and is worried about what to do if she runs into survivors of the real flight 815. Now that’s intriguing.

Why these five people? What purpose could they each serve? Does Abbadon’s organization know about the Island’s special properties? Do they know about Jacob? Could Miles be there to commune with the Island? Daniel there to figure out how to work with the electromagnetic field on the Island? What’s Charlotte’s role? And pilots must be a dime a dozen – why a drunken one who probably got fired from Oceanic Airlines for flying drunk and that’s why he wasn’t the pilot of Flight 815? Who is Naomi? A hired mercenary or a “Michael Clayton” at Abbadon’s organization who gets assigned “messes” to “clean up”?

We now know that Naomi and her band of misfits were sent to get Ben. Why? Is the Hanso Foundation and/or the Maxwell Group after Ben because he killed all the people from the Dharma Initiative? Have they finally found the Island and this is their big chance to get him and stop him from whatever it is he’s doing there? Or maybe this is their chance to take back the Island and continue their own plans with it. Who then are the real bad guys here? Are Ben and the Others really doing something good for the world and Abbadon’s organization is trying to stop it? Or is Abbadon’s organization the real heroic group and they are trying to stop Ben’s “Pinky & The Brain-esque” take over the world/enslave the human race campaign? Franky, I don’t trust either of them. Could Abbadon’s organization be the Maxwell Group? If so are they a faction of The Others that disbanded and is now trying to kill Ben and take over the Island? Are they “rivals” of The Others, both working towards the same goal but the Others have control of the Island and Abbadon’s people need it?

Here’s another enigma, if the helicopter was coming to “rescue” or “find” the castaways, then why were each of the boat people “pushed out”? Was it really crashing? I am wholly skeptical of this in light of the fact that after all the “chaos” (as Charlotte so eloquently put it) we saw at the beginning of the episode, Frank was able to calmly and safely land the helicopter in the perfectly-sized clearing on the Island. Maybe there are no coincidences on the Island, but there sure is a lot of convenience. The helicopter is struck by lightning and is on its way down, three of the passengers have to abandon ship, scattering all over the Island, and then at the last minute, Frank is able to recover and land it just fine? Where did the bump/cut on his head come from? How was he knocked unconscious then?

Jack and Kate find Faraday at the end of last week’s episode. Daniel uses the satellite phone to find the other boat people who fell out of the helicopter. When they find Miles, he attacks Jack and holds them at gunpoint until they bring him to the body of Naomi. Apparently, Miles wanted to make sure that Naomi hadn’t been murdered by Jack, Kate or the other castaways by speaking with her spirit or communing with the dead body somehow. After he’s satisfied that at least Jack nor Kate did Naomi any harm, they are ambushed by Sayid and Juliet carrying guns. Together they all search for Charlotte but it’s too late as Locke and his crew have already found her and are holding her captive after Locke ties Charlotte’s tracking device to Vincent’s collar and sends him running through the jungle. It is only after Jack, Kate, Sayid and Juliet find Frank that they discover why the boat people are on the Island really (at least partially). When Juliet introduces herself to Frank, he quickly realizes that she was not on Flight 815 and has been on the Island for some time, calling her a “native”. This news enrages Miles who pulls out a very old picture of Benjamin Linus, shoves it in Juliet’s face and demands to know where he is. Flash back to Locke and his crew now becoming very interested and suspicious of Charlotte – Ben especially as he steals Karl’s gun and shoots Charlotte in the chest. Sawyer attacks Ben and beats him yet again. Locke realizes that Charlotte is still alive and helps her up. He then takes Sawyer’s gun and decides it is finally time to end Ben’s life but not before Ben riddles off all the personal information about Charlotte and her three other companions. Informing everyone present that they are here for no good and that they are here for Ben. How does he know this? He has a man on the boat!

Who is this mysterious man that Locke has on the boat? Hmmmm? Very interesting to say the least. My theory – it’s Michael. It makes sense and the timing works out. In fact, if it’s not Michael, I may be disappointed because I think that the way the episode ended last night is a perfect build up to a climactic boom – welcome back Michael. So I figure Ben and Michael have a side deal to intercept the boat, get “rescued” by it on its way to the Island and then filter information about the boat, it’s inhabitants and their mission to Ben. It would be so awesome and further justify my contempt for Michael. It would be a perfect story line for Michael: gets his son – crashes on the Island – son gets kidnapped – he gets his son back with a special deal to screw over all of his fellow castaways after killing two of them and agrees to intercept the boat and help thwart their plans for the Island by filtering information to Ben – gets off the Island (as per he and Ben’s agreement) as one of the “Oceanic 6,” then dies of something that the Island probably would have cured him of and no one attends his funeral but Jack. I love it!!

Okay, an important part of the story that I didn’t forget about but didn’t work into my stream of thought above. When Locke’s group is wandering across the Island through the jungle, Sawyer realizes that they aren’t going to the barracks and Locke says they are going to the cabin first. Did you see the look on Ben’s face when Hurley told Locke that he thought the shack/cabin was in the other direction? Priceless!!! Ben is not happy about finding out that Locke and Hurley have had experiences with Jacob/the cabin. Ben couldn’t handle that Locke was “special” too like he was but now so is Hurley? You know that has to be killing him – I love it! So Sawyer asks Locke who told him that the boat people are bad people. Locke responds that it was Walt, only TALLER!! Sawyer asks Locke what he meant by “taller”? So this is how they are handling the whole Walt aging 4 years in 94 days thing. LoL. It is either “genius” or corny but I thought it was hilarious. Locke then adds that Walt told him that he had “work to do” and that he had to “stop Naomi from bringing the rest of her people”. Sawyer asks why he didn’t ask any questions and he says because Ben shot him and Walt saved him. Sawyer is doubtful but Locke lifts his shirt to show his wound, saying the bullet went through him and he’s lucky he doesn’t have a kidney where the bullet went through or he’d be dead. Hello! Again, no coincidences! Had Locke’s dad never stolen his kidney, he would have died in that open grave! I love the “butterfly effect”.

Okay, that’s it for me today. Now discuss and tawlk amongst yourselves. I’m eager to hear your thoughts and theories.

Country Music: Just Another Pretty Face

First off, what passes today for country music is not country music. It is southern pop.

A female country singer should not be better looking than Brett Butler, and IF a male country singer happens to be handsome, he must cover his face with at least a mustache if not a full Grizzly Adams beard or sport a mullet. That being the case, we can guesstimate that there has been no genuine country music made since 1995, when that little twat Shania Twain came along and made record execs everywhere cream their pants. Country AND pop?

And so began the decline of country’s more homely elite. Garth Brooks attempted to enter the pop universe with an alter ego ‘Chris Gaines’. Unfortunately this lowered his status from ‘untouchable god’ to ‘retarded bear’ and he was forced into hibernation. Reba McEntire had to take up sitcom acting to make a living. Billy Ray Cyrus ignored child-labor laws and sent his own daughter to work in the slave factory known as The Disney Channel. And as for the four-some Alabama, no one is quite sure what happened to them. Some speculate that they just went home, to New Jersey.

The loss of these unsightly angels has ripped the soul from country music. A country music song is usually about one of three things; A) a sad story; B) drinking because you are sad; and C) Jesus. And therein lies the problem. Sure anyone can sing about Jesus, but what do beautiful people have to be sad about? I would say nada, but I am not spanish so I will say nothing. Only someone who looks like Travis Tritt can sing about despair and keep it really real.

I hope that one day country will rediscover its slack-jaw, low-brow, beer-bellied roots. But until then you can find me drinking lots of Jim Beam and singing Garth Brooks ‘Night Rider’s Lament’ at the top of my lungs. Yoodle-lay-hee-dee-hoo-dee-hoo!

Sunday Morning Fun

www.fearthegaychicken.com

Clown on the Run

I just wanted to let my friends and family know that I’m safe. I apologize for not returning your phone calls, it’s not out of spite, I’ve got a very good reason. I can only hope my story gets heard through this forum, or else it may be lost forever. I already tried posting once, but I feel my pursuer is on to me, for my post was almost immediately deleted. I shall rehash for everyone who my not know my plight.

Last night, I was attacked in my sleep by a man who used to be my friend. Mr. Jingles, who I mentored for the last four months, tried to kill me. I found the little man one night at my doorstep, shivering, and hungry. I took him in, and introduced him to my friends and family at the circus. He fit right in, an astonishing juggler for a man of diminished stature, and great balance on the high wire too! He was great!

The Little Bastard probably snuck in through the Doggie Door! I knew I should have sealed it up after Zebra Toothpaste Fluffy Dog died. That is the only way he could have gotten in. As I slept, dreaming of balloons and practical jokes, he approached. If not for a Whoopie Cushion that I didn’t quite land on the shelf, I would have had a blow dart in my pasty neck. As I jumped out of bed (I frequently wake myself up from passing gas, but this time I knew it wasn’t me. Whoopie Cushion have a very distinct sound.), I was again saved by my attacker’s choice of weapon. Blow dart guns have a glacial reloading time, so I was practically out the door…

(A note about fighting a midget. They have a much lower center of gravity, it’s like tackling a bowling ball. And you have to get on your knees to put them in a headlock, making you susceptible to a shanking)

Therefore, I choose to run. One thing they are susceptible to is knocking down kitchen chairs to block their path. They cannot easily jump over it, so they have to move everything out of the way. I was out the door!

I ditched my polka dot VW Beetle, and donned a new disguise. Luckily my trunk was filled with weeks worth of wigs. I’m reporting from a non disclosed Starbucks, and I’m safe, for now. I don’t know if my pint sized pursuer is following me, but I don’t want to take any chances. I will be on the road again soon, I have plenty of provisions, seltzer water and un-peeled bananas, to take me to Sacramento, or Reno, or perhaps Bull Head City. Who knows where I’m going next, just in case Mr. Jingles is reading this…

Chuckles.

Puppies In The Arms of Angels

What has Sarah McLachlan been doing since Lilith Fair ended? I mean, besides raking in royalty checks from high schools pumping “I Will Remember You” through the intercom for graduation ceremonies? Not too much besides showing up in random deep house remix records, really. But here she is, inexplicably back in the public eye as the big name celeb supporting the ASPCA in its new sad puppies ad campaign promoting the adoption of abused animals. A typical reaction to this commercial: “How many times have I seen this ad and cried since Sunday? Seven times.” The ASPCA uses guilt and cuddliness to an excruciatingly precise effect in order to put across their message that love can trump allergens. Props. Unfortunately, the gravity of the downtrodden animal images is more or less ruined by the creepy Dr. Claw way in which Ms. McLachlan pets her dog…

 

Buffcoat That Hooooooo!

Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em has a multiplatinum hit record. “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” is unbelievably popular. Its lyrics are more or less indiscernible, its beat is more or less absent, and it repeats its chorus ad naseum without ever actually breaking into a verse.

Everyone loves this song. Why? The dance, fool! If you haven’t been doing this dance, you really need to catch up. The dance is simple (and you can learn it from the master or from University of Wisconsin head basketball coach Bo Ryan):

Step 1 – put your arms up, shake shoulders, jump cross legs (maybe throw in a heel slap)
Step 2 – stomp foot, cross arms
Step 3 – put arms out to one side and jump the other way, reverse, repeat
Step 4 – Superman that ho

Now Youuuu crank that soulja boy!
The best/worst part of the dance is, of course, when you Superman that ho. It seems innocent enough but… to Superman a ho is not just pointing your arms out. It involves sticky bed sheets. Indeed. As for the meaning of crank that… take a wild guess. Soulja Boy manages to stay one step ahead of the censors by using slang that they haven’t picked up yet. Tipper Gore isn’t street, she just don’t know! Kudos. This technique was utilized a few years back by Lil’ Jon with “Get Low” (everyone knows what skeet, skeet means by now right?), another dance hit with endless quotability. I can still hear hordes of club girls chanting “til’ the sweat drops off my balls!”

Creating a new dance craze is easy and apparently very lucrative. The moves don’t have to be complicated. Shit, even Fat Joe got in the action with “Lean Back,” a dance that involved… leaning back. That dude can barely move. That’s why it’s time to get in on the action.

So, in the tradition of simple dances with thinly veiled sexual innuendo becoming big hits we present the new track by Lil’ Rapper Boy: “B.U.F.F.C.O.A.T. That Ho”

Tha Dance:
Step 1 – put one hand in pocket, hold drink in the other hand, take hand out of pocket and waive above head
Step 2 – sip from your drink, stomp foot twice

Step 3 – nod head while looking longingly at girl across the bar

Step 4 – Buffcoat that Ho

Tha Lyrics:
We getting’ drunk in here
Oooh! Yeah boy!
We stayin’ blowed in here
Heeey! Awwww shit!
They be mad hoes in here
Hooooes!
Buffcoat them hoes in here
Whoa!
Who buffcoats them hoes?
You!
Who buffcoats them hoes?
Me!
You buffcoat them hoes!
Okay! Stay stanky!
We buffcoat them hoes!
Yeah!

What’s a buffcoat? Catch up HERE. Nasty.

You Are NOT Smarter Than A 5th Grader

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader is number one on Thursdays, son. God, if you can hear me, please end the writers strike! If you ever want to watch a show that will make you feel really, really smart for a few minutes until you can’t calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle, this show is for you. If you want to feel crushingly moronic because an 11 year old girl named Madison has just chirped out the answer with ease, this show is for you. If you think Jeff Foxworthy interacting with small children is charming, this show is for you. You probably think that even if the contestants on the show are idiots, at least you are smarter than a 5th grader. Doubtful. Every contestant legitimately thinks that he or she is smarter than a 5th grader until they don’t know the capital of North Dakota and need to spy on the kid’s answer. Bismark! Fuck! I knew that one! Sadly, no one, it seems, is smarter than a 5^th grader. Which begs the question: If no one out there can beat a fifth grader in a battle of wits, why are we wasting seven more years in the educational system? That’s seven years that could be better spent, say, in the army, selling newspapers or in a factory and contributing to society. Child labor laws be damned! “Are You Smarter” really proves the old adage that “everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten” (or at least before 6th grade). If this is so, we are wasting time and money with middle school and high school. Think how early kids could enter the NBA draft if a silly mandatory stint in high school wasn’t required. Think about how the awkwardness of middle school could be avoided if it simply wasn’t there. You aren’t smarter than a 5^th grader anyway.

Take the 5th Grader quiz on the FOX website HERE … if you dare