Food Review- Holiday Cheesecake

Last Thanksgiving I was back in my hometown, a small city in central Wisconsin, paging through the local newspaper when a vibrant color picture caught my eye. It was accompanied with an original recipe for an exquisite “Holiday Cheesecake.” What a thoughtful newspaper reader Enid Stratakowski must be to submit her family’s secret recipe for the entire county to replicate! I found myself daydreaming of her ancestors passing this recipe down generation by generation and how, until now, only those in the Stratakowski bloodline were lucky enough to indulge in this rich delicacy each holiday season. I immediately found a pen and paper and began to copy the recipe so I could surprise my family with a delicious, old-fashioned holiday treat.

“Holiday Cheesecake

2 cups white chocolate pieces

1 cup red and green sprinkles

1 tbsp whipped cream

4 Sara Lee Cheesecake slices, frozen

Melt chocolate pieces in microwave. Dip frozen cheesecake into melted chocolate. Dredge the cheesecake into the candy pieces. Refrigerate until service time. Top with a dollop of whipped cream.”

Ten seemingly more appropriate titles for this “recipe”

1. Too fucking lazy to make anything?

2. Throw green and red dots on a cheesecake and you can call it, “Holiday”

3. Throw green and red dots on anything and you can call it, “Holiday”

4. Liar’s Cheesecake

5. Need to bring something to your ex-husband’s holiday gathering, don’ t want to seem bitter in front of the children, but also don’t want to spend more than five minutes on the lousy cheater?

6. Just wanted an excuse to say, “Dredge”

7. Dismissive Single Parent Dad Cake

8. Apparent sale on Sarah Lee products at Costco Cake

9. Frozen Cheese Jesus-style

10. Holiday Disgrace Cake

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