“Maybe Mike Huckabee can’t join the band”

huck and pal

(Overheard at Guitar Center)
Dave: Is Mike Huckabee cool? I can’t tell sometimes.
Spider: Well, I mean the guy has been on the Colbert Report like seven times and every time has promised to make Stephen Colbert his running mate if he wins the Republican nomination. That’s pretty fresh, right?
Dave: Yeah! I fully skimmed Colbert’s book. Remember when he totally ripped Bush at the White House Press Dinner a few years back. That was hilarious. Huck had a chance to back out and he didn’t so he must really be serious about the ticket, right?
Spider: Totally! It would be like that Robin Williams movie that no one saw. Plus he plays bass!
Dave: Dude, we should get him to play on our new album. He totally had a wicked sweet article in GQ where he posed in front of a wall of Gibsons shredding out a little air riffage. He had a leg in the air and everything!
Spider: Plus, dude! Did you know that Chuck Norris “and his fists” endorse him for president?
Dave: Walker Texas Ranger, man! Remember that Walker lever on Conan O’Brien? That was so sweet.
Spider: Huck even said that Chuck Norris would secure the border for him as his border patrol!
Dave: Seriously?
Spider: No joke. Dude, Huck was super fat before he lost like a million pounds. Have you seen “The Biggest Loser”?
Dave: (silence)
Spider: Well, I have and he lost more weight than those guys, I guarantee it.
Dave: Yeah, but I can’t tell if he is trying to be ironic or not. He seems like he’s putting on a show.
Spider: Well he’s kinda funny and I say a president must be funny at all times.
Dave: Whoa dude look at this…. He said we should quarantine everyone with AIDS.
Spider: What?!
Dave: Yeah, he really did.
Spider: Check this out, he said that women should always submit to their husbands’ will!
Dave: Really? He must have meant something else, let me see…nope. Huh. It’s in the Bible I guess?
Spider: He wrote a book that compared homosexuality to necrophilia…. What’s necrophilia?
Dave: Sex with dead bodies!
Spider: Gross! I don’t see the similarity, but….
Dave: He called homosexuality an aberration? Geez, this guy is kind of a dick.
Spider: He wrote that non-believers were a direct threat to the United States? Does that mean all of the US citizens that aren’t Christians are dangerous?
Dave: I don’t know, but he also said that women lost out by not sticking to their “god-given distinctions” in gender when they entered the workplace!
Spider: He wants to “win back” the country for Christ.
Dave: Well, he worked for a TV Evangelist and as a preacher for long time until he became Governor of Arkansas. I guess that’s to be expected.
Spider: Yeah, but hey! He pardoned Keith Richards’ speeding ticket when he was the Governor. The dude loves the Stones so much that he hooked up boozy old Keith! Awesome!
Dave: He then said he hoped he gets to “pardon” Keith for all of his sins when he gets to the gates of heaven?
Spider: Whoa St. Peter, Huck thinks a lot of himself.
Dave: Dude, Mike just made an allusion to sticking the Confederate flag up the ass of anyone who doesn’t like it.
Spider: Maybe Mike Huckabee can’t join the band.

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