I just wanted to let my friends and family know that I’m safe. I apologize for not returning your phone calls, it’s not out of spite, I’ve got a very good reason. I can only hope my story gets heard through this forum, or else it may be lost forever. I already tried posting once, but I feel my pursuer is on to me, for my post was almost immediately deleted. I shall rehash for everyone who my not know my plight.
Last night, I was attacked in my sleep by a man who used to be my friend. Mr. Jingles, who I mentored for the last four months, tried to kill me. I found the little man one night at my doorstep, shivering, and hungry. I took him in, and introduced him to my friends and family at the circus. He fit right in, an astonishing juggler for a man of diminished stature, and great balance on the high wire too! He was great!
The Little Bastard probably snuck in through the Doggie Door! I knew I should have sealed it up after Zebra Toothpaste Fluffy Dog died. That is the only way he could have gotten in. As I slept, dreaming of balloons and practical jokes, he approached. If not for a Whoopie Cushion that I didn’t quite land on the shelf, I would have had a blow dart in my pasty neck. As I jumped out of bed (I frequently wake myself up from passing gas, but this time I knew it wasn’t me. Whoopie Cushion have a very distinct sound.), I was again saved by my attacker’s choice of weapon. Blow dart guns have a glacial reloading time, so I was practically out the door…
(A note about fighting a midget. They have a much lower center of gravity, it’s like tackling a bowling ball. And you have to get on your knees to put them in a headlock, making you susceptible to a shanking)
Therefore, I choose to run. One thing they are susceptible to is knocking down kitchen chairs to block their path. They cannot easily jump over it, so they have to move everything out of the way. I was out the door!
I ditched my polka dot VW Beetle, and donned a new disguise. Luckily my trunk was filled with weeks worth of wigs. I’m reporting from a non disclosed Starbucks, and I’m safe, for now. I don’t know if my pint sized pursuer is following me, but I don’t want to take any chances. I will be on the road again soon, I have plenty of provisions, seltzer water and un-peeled bananas, to take me to Sacramento, or Reno, or perhaps Bull Head City. Who knows where I’m going next, just in case Mr. Jingles is reading this…