Author Archives: bengurstelle


“If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

“It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

“It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.”

President-elect Barack Obama, November 4, 2008


There Will Be Bud

by way of Death From Below

Ostrich Didn’t See Shit!

Police questioned the only witness to a murder in front of a beachside Sno-cone stand that took place last night. Lenny, an 8 year old male Ostrich was present but apparently oblivious to what police have said must have been “blood curdling” screams. According to Detective Sergeant James O’Halarahan the witness claimed to have been unaware that anything took place at all. “We have no leads at present time,” O’Halarahan commented, “that ostrich didn’t see shit.” When approached for comment, Lenny flapped his wings and tried to snake his neck through a car window to eat some McDonald’s french fries left in a bag.


Barack Force Ones

 barack1.jpg barack21.jpg


  • Topic of Discussion (yes, I was a fifth grade teacher in another life) :

 If Hil-bag and McCain had their own shoes, what would they look like? (photo courtesy of Barack Obama’s Campaign 

Country Music: Just Another Pretty Face

First off, what passes today for country music is not country music. It is southern pop.


A female country singer should not be better looking than Brett Butler, and IF a male country singer happens to be handsome, he must cover his face with at least a mustache if not a full Grizzly Adams beard or sport a mullet. That being the case, we can guesstimate that there has been no genuine country music made since 1995, when that little twat Shania Twain came along and made record execs everywhere cream their pants. Country AND pop?

And so began the decline of country’s more homely elite. Garth Brooks attempted to enter the pop universe with an alter ego ‘Chris Gaines’. Unfortunately this lowered his status from ‘untouchable god’ to ‘retarded bear’ and he was forced into hibernation. Reba McEntire had to take up sitcom acting to make a living. Billy Ray Cyrus ignored child-labor laws and sent his own daughter to work in the slave factory known as The Disney Channel. And as for the four-some Alabama, no one is quite sure what happened to them. Some speculate that they just went home, to New Jersey.

The loss of these unsightly angels has ripped the soul from country music. A country music song is usually about one of three things; A) a sad story; B) drinking because you are sad; and C) Jesus. And therein lies the problem. Sure anyone can sing about Jesus, but what do beautiful people have to be sad about? I would say nada, but I am not spanish so I will say nothing. Only someone who looks like Travis Tritt can sing about despair and keep it really real.



I hope that one day country will rediscover its slack-jaw, low-brow, beer-bellied roots. But until then you can find me drinking lots of Jim Beam and singing Garth Brooks ‘Night Rider’s Lament’ at the top of my lungs. Yoodle-lay-hee-dee-hoo-dee-hoo!

Sunday Morning Fun

Puppies In The Arms of Angels

What has Sarah McLachlan been doing since Lilith Fair ended? I mean, besides raking in royalty checks from high schools pumping “I Will Remember You” through the intercom for graduation ceremonies? Not too much besides showing up in random deep house remix records, really. But here she is, inexplicably back in the public eye as the big name celeb supporting the ASPCA in its new sad puppies ad campaign promoting the adoption of abused animals. A typical reaction to this commercial: “How many times have I seen this ad and cried since Sunday? Seven times.” The ASPCA uses guilt and cuddliness to an excruciatingly precise effect in order to put across their message that love can trump allergens. Props. Unfortunately, the gravity of the downtrodden animal images is more or less ruined by the creepy Dr. Claw way in which Ms. McLachlan pets her dog…