Tag Archives: Hypotenuse

You Are NOT Smarter Than A 5th Grader

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader is number one on Thursdays, son. God, if you can hear me, please end the writers strike! If you ever want to watch a show that will make you feel really, really smart for a few minutes until you can’t calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle, this show is for you. If you want to feel crushingly moronic because an 11 year old girl named Madison has just chirped out the answer with ease, this show is for you. If you think Jeff Foxworthy interacting with small children is charming, this show is for you. You probably think that even if the contestants on the show are idiots, at least you are smarter than a 5th grader. Doubtful. Every contestant legitimately thinks that he or she is smarter than a 5th grader until they don’t know the capital of North Dakota and need to spy on the kid’s answer. Bismark! Fuck! I knew that one! Sadly, no one, it seems, is smarter than a 5th grader. Which begs the question: If no one out there can beat a fifth grader in a battle of wits, why are we wasting seven more years in the educational system? That’s seven years that could be better spent, say, in the army, selling newspapers or in a factory and contributing to society. Child labor laws be damned! “Are You Smarter” really proves the old adage that “everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten” (or at least before 6th grade). If this is so, we are wasting time and money with middle school and high school. Think how early kids could enter the NBA draft if a silly mandatory stint in high school wasn’t required. Think about how the awkwardness of middle school could be avoided if it simply wasn’t there. You aren’t smarter than a 5th grader anyway.

Take the 5th Grader quiz on the FOX website HERE … if you dare